i don't noe where to begin.. i don't noe where to start..

but to start with an apology to me, is a good way to start something.. apology for things that i've done wrong. and actions that i've taken which may cross people's feelings or hurt them.. i'm truly sorry...

i'm supposed to be studying. there is dhingra out there. pages splayed wide open. there is the ohcs. there is the toronto notes.. and lastly there is this book 'the purpose driven life' by rick warren.

i have watched many movies today. listened to many songs. and spent the last 2 hours reading back my old post. i'm surprised that i could write and blog so much those days.. and wondering why am i staring blankly on my computer screen. i'm trying to conjure up poems.. but without avail. and so here i am reading page 154 of the purpose driven life.. trying to find meaning to it.. trying to understand each sentence and praying each day to find back the meaning of why things happen in a certain way..

this brings back to my very very old post on the day that i was admitted to sjmc where i met this old friend of mine (a patient who i befriended). his wife went thru many things with him and finally something that stuck in my head till now. 'God is never a second early, nor a second late. He arrives at the precise moment'.

hmmm.. i guess i just have to be patient..

and here is the best part of the book.

Emphasize reconciliation , not resolution. it is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. but one thing to take home is that reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. when we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

i have certainly over many days realised that i have not been what i used to be. i can't laugh till the cows come home anymore. i can't make silly jokes and laugh at myself anymore.. and i looked at myself in the mirror.. where have i lost it?

the toll was the studies and the workload.. and yes.. i do agree it has taken over me.. but i'm in control of myself.. i can only let it take over me if i allow it to.. not that i should slack but there are times when i need to focus, i focus with all my heart. i still have my sane self which i need to keep intact.. it's me.. it's within me.. i must find that magic back...

sorry this post is all about me only.. but tonite, i have thought about alot of things.. i want to reconnect with people whom i have lost, talk to people who means most to me, touch people hearts when and where it matters most.. this is me, this is myself.. and i can't lose that.. or i lose everything.. i give my heart best in everything i do.. and that's a promise i made today...

i begin to accept that i can only be good only if i let everything go.. learn how not to be too aggressive, learn to control my emotions, learn to talk in a more gentle manner... and learn to listen to those who mean most to me... i have lost these things along the way and i plan to learn from these mistakes which brought me down.. to keep improving and to be a better person... sometimes i just want to be the best.. but i know it's impossible to be the best in everything.. as long as i'm in peace with myself that i have indeed given my honest best, then i can go to sleep soundly at night..

the night is late. and it's time to hit the sack.. tomorrow a new day awaits.. awaits with open arms.. how this day or many more days to come depends on how one control one's feelings and carry one's self... i must say i must learn to better myself... this is a promise i made tonite..=)

good nite.. and God bless...