finding my way home after wandering away for a long time.. where the heart belongs to.. my sanctuary =)

today is just sooo not my day..

to cut it short, i'm having a swelling on my proximal 4th phalanx as well as tenderness on palpation on the PIP joint.. haih.. the whole bloody trouble is that the ball wasn't in a powerful speed and neither was it a direct shot.. i just miscalculated the flight angle, dipping shot, bla bla... whatever la.. and instead of catching it, it hit directly on the finger straight on.. bloody shit.. and now it's odematous, can't flex the PIP joint, severe tightness on passive flexion and severely tender on palpation on the 4th proximal phalanx...

and then later came an elbow straight on the cartilaginous part of my nose and a direct hyperflexion of the ankle joint hit as i had a fantastic boot to boot contact with danny ferns.. now, my ankle is hurting like an old lady's and my nose.. thank god, is not looking like sandra bullock..

oh well. i'm having RICE now... plus a whole lot of fastum gel and PCM.. i used to have this strip of diclofenac where i bloody misplaced it.. so much for needing it and don't have it.. stupidity has taken it's toll.. i'm left with a kuchi PCM for pain control... and i'm spinning out of control... lol..

ok la.. all is whining oni.. i wonder if i hadn't gone for futsal, din get my regular workout, would things be better? but then.. the adrenalin rush when blocking a direct shot or diving for a save is PRICELESS..

so what's the verdict.. it's all in a day's job.. i guess it goes the same for HO who's in the A&E or be in some one who crashed in the ward.. as long as you know that you have put ur best foot forward.. the beating that comes later doesn't matter anymore.. as long as you know that you have gave your best... ahh!!! that satisfaction..

btw him heang penang tambun biscuit has been my supper for the past 2 days.. gosh it's damn good.. especialy when u take it with a steaming hot cup of lipton tea, no sugar of course.. then take a nice swig of that hematuric looking tea and voila! u have a nice and happy stomach..

i guess it's back to disorders of esophagus.. ENT is like boring as the ents in LOTR.. heard of TREEBEARD in lord of the rings? they are called ENTS if i'm not wrong.. this is just soo random of me.. ah.. what the heck la.. another mouth of tambun biscuit dissolve in my amylase enzyme of my buccal cavity as it goes through the buccal phase, pharyngeal phase and then esophageal phase..

why do medical ppl like to use jargons even when off duty? for me to know and for you to find out.. haha..=P

p/s this post is the most bloody random thing i've ever blogged about.. lol..

The Lost Soul

The sky was blue, and clouds were white,
A wanderer with a search in sight.
Wandered he closely by the shore,
With hope of searching a saying that implored:

“Oh Heaven’s shine! Thou art feel bright!
For love is all in your might!
Embrace it tight! Caress it light!
Let it not be lost of sight!”

And with all the strength he could muster,
Shouted he out loud to the deeping waters.

“To the Sea! To the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
Nor’easter wind blows, and the white foam is forming.
West, west away, the round Sun is falling,
O’ Mother! Do you hear my calling?
Voices of despair cried before me,
I took leave in a world that bore me.
For many days are ending and my years are failing,
I shall pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
In search of a lady, embarked I on this journey,
A fair and lovely maiden as glory.
Searched I high and low,
My boat, powerless, goes where wind blows.
Sail I to the ends of the world,
With hope and faith that shone like pearl.
Yea Faith! Desperately I cling on to you,
Till I see land, my faith shall never be subdued.

To the Stars! To the Stars!
My companion and guide, thru’ many darkness thus far.
Brightly cascade you in the sky,
Oh, what beauty to me when on the deck I lie.
Above lonely shadows where mighty Gods dwell,
Till I found my maiden, I shall not bid farewell.

To the Moon! To the Moon!
An icon of love, I seek you out soon!
Thru’ toils and snares, I am not dismayed,
For bewildered I was on enchanted ways.
I wandered far from northern strands,
Beyond counted days on mortal land.
Blindly in the foam my little boat fled,
Unheralded in my quest I sped.”

And by chance on land he saw,
A lovely maiden stood by the shore.
The locks of her hair flew with great beauty,
A fair lovely maiden it’s got to be!
“Lady! Lady! Come abroad!
Lest I have my boat to dock!”

“Knight! O’ Knight! Come what thee for me?
For I have nothing to offer thee.”

“Gold my Lady! Gold I carry!
On our journey home, shall we be merry!”

“Hearken to me dear Knight, thee shall hear!
Offer thee not happiness I fear!”

And magically she disappeared,
A beautiful butterfly however appeared.
He chased and chased with little thought,
What agony to him this chase had brought.
The harder he chased, the farther he chased,
She eluded him more like a maze.
Chased he till he could chase no more,
For his feet on the sand begin to sore.

“Leave me not my lovely Lady,
Regretted I for giving wrongly.
Accept my apology for I have learnt,
For it is happiness that I yearn.”

He knelt down there and begin to cry,
That night, his eyes were never dry.
Then he heard a whisper in the distance,
A sweet and charming voice he listened.

“Knight! O’ Knight! Thy armour gleamed so bright!
Thou art chased with all your might.
Sadly, feelings in thee, I have not,
Thy chasing is, in all but naught.”

With that, the butterfly changed its form,
To the most beautiful maiden ever born.



“Go O’ Knight, speed away,
For I am only an illusion to stay.
Seek deeper in the word of love,
For another maiden who better deserves.
Thy love, thy care, spend them not on me,
Take my advice well with thee.”

And with great sorrow he heaved a sigh,
A heavy heart, he let out a cry.

“Here at journey’s end I lie,
Beyond all seas deep and high.
In darkness never have my light so dimmed,
Because it’s in thee, that happiness I foreseen.
Knelt I here this day,
With hearts so broken,
Wait I thee for everlasting days,
Till thy love is spoken.
Lost to me, lost to me,
Whitherward fled?
Gone from me, gone from me,
Shadow-ward sped.
Hearing thy voice, to me,
Echoing still.
Seeing the flight of thee,
Will of my will.
Lost is the wild song of me,
Notes that belong to thee.
Love torn and strong to be,
Mute in the Sea.
Shame to me, shame to me,
Set has the Sun.
Silent thou art to me,
My chasing forth is done.”

-jens-

i don't noe where to begin.. i don't noe where to start..

but to start with an apology to me, is a good way to start something.. apology for things that i've done wrong. and actions that i've taken which may cross people's feelings or hurt them.. i'm truly sorry...

i'm supposed to be studying. there is dhingra out there. pages splayed wide open. there is the ohcs. there is the toronto notes.. and lastly there is this book 'the purpose driven life' by rick warren.

i have watched many movies today. listened to many songs. and spent the last 2 hours reading back my old post. i'm surprised that i could write and blog so much those days.. and wondering why am i staring blankly on my computer screen. i'm trying to conjure up poems.. but without avail. and so here i am reading page 154 of the purpose driven life.. trying to find meaning to it.. trying to understand each sentence and praying each day to find back the meaning of why things happen in a certain way..

this brings back to my very very old post on the day that i was admitted to sjmc where i met this old friend of mine (a patient who i befriended). his wife went thru many things with him and finally something that stuck in my head till now. 'God is never a second early, nor a second late. He arrives at the precise moment'.

hmmm.. i guess i just have to be patient..

and here is the best part of the book.

Emphasize reconciliation , not resolution. it is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. but one thing to take home is that reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. when we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

i have certainly over many days realised that i have not been what i used to be. i can't laugh till the cows come home anymore. i can't make silly jokes and laugh at myself anymore.. and i looked at myself in the mirror.. where have i lost it?

the toll was the studies and the workload.. and yes.. i do agree it has taken over me.. but i'm in control of myself.. i can only let it take over me if i allow it to.. not that i should slack but there are times when i need to focus, i focus with all my heart. i still have my sane self which i need to keep intact.. it's me.. it's within me.. i must find that magic back...

sorry this post is all about me only.. but tonite, i have thought about alot of things.. i want to reconnect with people whom i have lost, talk to people who means most to me, touch people hearts when and where it matters most.. this is me, this is myself.. and i can't lose that.. or i lose everything.. i give my heart best in everything i do.. and that's a promise i made today...

i begin to accept that i can only be good only if i let everything go.. learn how not to be too aggressive, learn to control my emotions, learn to talk in a more gentle manner... and learn to listen to those who mean most to me... i have lost these things along the way and i plan to learn from these mistakes which brought me down.. to keep improving and to be a better person... sometimes i just want to be the best.. but i know it's impossible to be the best in everything.. as long as i'm in peace with myself that i have indeed given my honest best, then i can go to sleep soundly at night..

the night is late. and it's time to hit the sack.. tomorrow a new day awaits.. awaits with open arms.. how this day or many more days to come depends on how one control one's feelings and carry one's self... i must say i must learn to better myself... this is a promise i made tonite..=)

good nite.. and God bless...

Saturday's midnight..

星期六的深夜歌词
星期六晚上
哪都不想去
也无法入睡
看着电视机
持续在发呆
喝了七分醉
闭上了眼睛
试着不想你
但已来不及
忘了如何
让眼泪停止流下
还好没人看到
还好没人看见
没人会说话
星期六深夜
我想起了你
没什么特别
只是回忆
你让我自由
我很感激
星期六深夜
永远不会有任何人
能代替你
这就是遗憾的滋味
陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑
但无法忘记你

-Lee Hom-
seriously.. he has taken over jay chou.. just so happen this is currently saturday night... haha.. good nite everyone...=)

newest motivation...

move aside jay! i'm still a fan of jay's.. but after listening to this song, this is my new motivation.. to sing it...=) haha.. lol.. sorry! syok sendiri.. haha... lee hom style..=P

serenades in a lonely room of mine,
you keep me company,
i listen to the voices of time,
while i drown in the sea of symphony...

-jens-

Weary eyed I took a stroll
Though was late, but work has taken its toll
I needed a break and to grasslands I went
In search for the stars that leads me to neverland
I cried to the stars littering the skies at night
I wished I could pause this moment and enjoy the sight
But tonight the sky is veiled by the jealous clouds
I stood and stared with increasing doubts
Of late the sky has been crying
And the clouds above have veiled your feelings
Gone when I could see your lovely jewels
Where each and everyone shone brightly as pearls
Your beauty is one that never lies
I’ve enjoyed watching you beyond the distant skies

Where have you been my beloved star?
You’ve been my guide near and afar
With you’ve been veiled I’ve lost my way
I’ve been circling wildly lost for days
Each night I’ve waited with little thought
What agony to me this wait has brought

And as though you have heard my cries
I caught a glimmer of you up high
Your light was faint but it persevered
Like how you taught me when everything went weird
I stood there entranced by your beauty
The clouds cleared and your sight is heavenly

Little by little you light the heavens
Your beauty has always captured my imaginations
You fill my hearts with warmth and wonder
For your presence with me is forever
Wherever I am you’ve always been my guide above earth
Back to a place where I’m warm with love
Your magic never fades throughout the years
Your light shall be my guide through all my fears
And when I’ve lost hope like I always do
Your tiny beacon of light still shines brightly through

I’ve stood and stared long enough a time
To have thought of this poem as a nursery rhyme
Your presence above has been a gift from God
It’s you the stars in loneliness I sought
You make me realize that even in the darkest of night
Your guidance will lead me through with my burdens light
Here now I walk into a home
Knowing there’s you’re always there when I’m alone
Thank you O’ Stars I shall seek you dearly
For you will forever be in my heart eternally

-jens-

i shall take the steps baby like, to keep giving as it makes me happy too... i can only think of happiness with that comes as you smile in glee... and love is about giving unconditionally..=)

When the two of them started spending weekends at the quiet Wisconsin lake, they were young and had little money. Her relatives let them use a tiny cottage in a wooded hollow, a mile or so from the water.
He worked odd hours, so often they wouldn't get there until after midnight on a friday. But if the mosquitoes weren't out, they'd go for a moonlight swim, then rest with their backs against a tree and drank wine and talked about their future.
His parents were not around anymore. Divorced a long time ago, they only gave him money, but he was deprived of the most wonderful thing on earth, love. He spent most of his time doing things alone. Not until his sophomore year when he met her. She probably wasn't the most beautiful girl in the university but she was nevertheless charming enough to make heads turn whenever she walks into the lecture hall. She breathed in a new life to him, as someone who was always there to help and hold his hands when he needed emotional support.
One summer the young man bought an old motorboat. They'd ride along the shoreline, looking at the houses and wondering what it would be like to have a place on the water. He'd just shake his head; these houses were just too expensive and cost more than he could afford. Even if he could, he would land himself in such heavy debt with a meagre income.
Years passed. They had kids. After a while, they didn't go to the little cottage as often. Finally her relatives sold the place.
The Lady Luck was smiling on him. He got lucky in his work, making more money than he ever dreamed they'd have. Remembering those weekends, they went back and bought a cedar house on the water. The place was surrounded by huge old oak trees, coupled with spruce, and the land sloped gently down the shore. It was perfect. No words could express his feelings.
They hadn't known summers could be that good. In the mornings, he'd go fishing before it was light. She'd sleep until the birds woke her. Then he'd make breakfast, toast and jelly and sometimes they ate omelettes on the deck.
They got to know the chipmunks, the squirrels and a woodpecker who took over the biggest tree. They got to know the grocer, the butcher who smoked his own bacon, the farmer who sold them vine-ripened tomatoes.
The best part of their day was dusk. She loved sunsets. They'd always stop to watch the sun go down, changing the colour of the lake from hues of blue to purple, to silver and to black. One evening, he made up a small poem:
The sun rolls down,
Like a golden tear,
Another day,
Another day,
Gone.
She told him it was sad, but that she liked it. What she didn't like was October, even with the beautiful colours and evenings in front of the fire place. She was a summer person. The cold wind wasn't her friend.
In November, they would store the boat, take down the hammock and lock everything tight and drive back to the city. She'd always sigh as the left.
Finally spring would come, and when they knew the ice on the lake was gone, they'd be back. She'd throw open the doors and wondows and let in the fresh air. The she'd go out and greet the chipmunks and the woodpeckers.
Every summer seemed better than the last. The sunsets seemed more spectacular. And more precious. They held hand, with fingers intertwined, his thumb caressing the smooth skin of her hand, her head against his shoulders, while whispering the beauty of nature that played in front of their eyes. She liked it when they both held hands, for they had been doing so since they were teenagers in love.
Then one weekend, he went alone to close the place down for the winter.
He worked quickly trying not to let himself think that this particular chair had been her favourite, that the hammock had been her Christmas gift to him, that the house on the lake was his gift to her.
He didn't work quickly enough though and he was still there at the sunset. It was a great burst of orange, the kind she loved best.
He tried but he couldn't watch it alone. And definitely not through tears. So he turned his back on it, went inside, drew the draperies, locked the doors and drove away.
Later there would be a 'for sale' sign out front. Maybe a couple who loved to quietly watch sunsets together would like it. He hoped so.