hey folks...
been a long time since i last blogged.. but i don't have anything to say so far.. just that i've been staying up late a couple of nites to watch the games i *ahem* on.. haha.. save for the match last nite germany vs uruguay.. cuz i'm super drowsy after taking actifed..
sometimes i wonder why medical students abuse drugs.. this is the reason why.. cuz when we can't sleep, we take something that makes us go to bed with the use of it's side effects.. we seem to have the remedy for something that don't go rite. if it's a poison item, we make do with OTC that gives us the same effect or kick! lol.. ok la.. not all medical students but i know of some who do..
anyway this post is not about that.. this post is dedicated to my gf xandra ang!
ok la.. initially it was supposed to be a surprise party.. been calling ppl to come on fridays.. but then rite, after calling ppl, realised that her parents are coming on tuesday which is the same day as the plan! lol.. then have to expose the plans abit to her.. haha.. which then it wasn't really a surprise anymore.. ish..
part of the plan was also not to wish her happy birthday too.. and that's the reason i din msg or call even though i know i should.. haha.. anyhow, chris and denise brought cake to her place at midnite.. lol. and he also brought cake the next day. haha.. anyway thanks a lot chris poi and denise tan suyin.
so the dinner was at suria station and those who went were my hse mates wei liang, and hon keong. also there were de jun, chris poi, denise, sei yen, lie joo and wen leong. so total 10 orang.. haha. anyway for those who want to see the pic it's in my fb pics..
sorry for the not calling/ not messaging.. it was meant for everybody forget ur bday this and that.. haha.. want to kenakan u but tak jadi completely. lol.. anyway i hope u have had a nice bday and all the dim sum u had also.. hehe..
happy 23rd birthday xandra ang!
muax!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
this was from a doctor who left home to serve elsewhere and i do believe in his verdict, dont we all? as we are experiencing this as part of our system.
the doctor's blog id is ms mohammad. i do hope that he does share his anger, frustration and grieve to the public to enlighten them how things should be done instead of what's been going on here..
"I read an interesting article today about a few prominent figures addressing their concern over the increasing UKM and UM medical graduates who have left the country to continue their medical practice overseas.
After reading the news for 3 times, I called a very close friend, an MD (UKM) graduate to ask his opinion on how the news might have affected him. He has been working in Singapore for more than a decade as a Consultant Surgeon with a certain sub-specialty
"Why be a slave in your own country, when you are a king in another?" He replied.
Indeed, if anybody would want to find a reason why all of us left, either after housemanship, after being a specialist, or even after sub specializing, and now, even prior to doing housemanship, they need not look at our payslip, or the wealth that we have gained overseas, but only to the Medical System that has been rotting in the ignorance and politic-based stupidity that Malaysia has been well-known for (in the medical field).
I have served the system for nearly 2 decades of my career, waiting for it to improve for so long, and only finding myself in despair, quitting with a 24-hour notice and serving abroad. The system is, in my opinion, keeping doctors, since the beginning of their career as House Officers to the end of it, in the lowermost priority. When I was working there, doctors are so ill-treated, while the nurses and the medical assistants are overpowering us.
I still remember the days when I was doing seeing patients and rounds as an MO, while the staff nurses would mind their own business, having breakfast in the pantry, or having gossip chats at their own leisure. My House Officers would then have to do merely all the labour-work, up to the extent of setting intravenous drips, and serving medications. If I am to expect the nurses, my patients would have been dead, or the work would have been too slowly or incompletely done.
When I was a House Officer, I had to run down 4-5 floors just to review a blood investigation of a dying dengue patient. The ward staff would either be nowhere around, or will say that he is busy (busier than the doctor?) or the answer I got at that time:
"Doktor nak cepat, doktor turun sendirilah, gaji doktor lagi banyak dari saya"
Even when I was a Specialist, the staff nurses had to be called again and again just to make sure the management plan for the patient would be done. I was already used to answers from them:
“I’m busy with something else"
“My shift is already over"
...it was routine for me.
The Medical Assistants were worse. They would hide behind their so-called boss, the Head of Medical Assistant. They feel hiding behind him would make them not under our jurisdiction, that we have no power to instruct them in managing the patient, that they have power to manage own their own. I've seen them giving medications not as we prescribed, performing procedures without our knowledge, as if they are the actual "Doctors". They are in their own world, and we have to do their job, taking blood, labelling samples, and even cleaning gadgets from the procedures that we have done.
Oh, but the ministry loves this group. They even let them run a clinic now, instead of upgrading the clinics already run by doctors. The government feels that the MAs are very important and should never be ill-treated by those big bad doctors. One time when I was a District Hospital Medical Officer, I was conducting a delivery of a baby. An MA insisted that I remove my car which was block-parking his car. I answered through the phone that I was busy.
He came to the labor room and yelled "Semua orang pun sibuk jugak, macamlah doktor seorang yang sibuk!”
It is insulting that an MA or a staff nurse claims that they are BUSY, as busy as a doctor? As a Malaysian Doctor, I have even worked for 72 hours straight. I have experienced working until my 6 month old daughter did not recognize me at the end of the week.
Is that how busy they are? I am very sure that they are so busy, that they can only spend 2 hours at the nearby Mamak stall, or can only leave at 5:10 PM instead of 5, or can only have 1 hour of lunch.
The management staffs are worse. I have to beg and plead so that I can get my on-call claims, of RM25 per 48 hours of work. While sitting in an air-conditioned office, they will at their own leisure, process my call claims so that I will receive them by the next decade.
The state health or Hospital Director would just give another inspirational talk (of bollocks) on team effort and beauty of teamwork.
That is how Malaysian doctors are treated in the government sector: without respect, without dignity and without significance. Why?
It is because we are bound by ethics to try our best to save lives, despite how ill-treated we are. We hardly have time to complaint because we are too busy or tired, and we would rather spend the precious time resting or seeing our loved ones. The burden of trying to save lives is on our shoulders alone. No MAs or Staff nurses would shoulder it with us. They have their own bosses: the Sisters, Matrons, or Head of MAs, which job description is to ensure that the big bad doctors will not ask their underlings to do extra work.
This is how the Malaysian Ministry of Health have treated their doctors. I am very sure that in each and every doctor, there is a slowly-burning patience in serving the Malaysian people, which will eventually fade and cause them to surrender to serving a place that treats them better.
A few colleagues who graduated from UK choose to serve there:
"The pay is more, and we get the respect we deserve"
Another works in Brunei:
“Here the staff nurses respect Malaysian doctors, and they are very co-operative" (He ended up marrying one)
A few are consultants in Singapore (working with me):
"Here we are treated well, we spearhead the management, and every else do their work to the best of their capabilities".
A few even enjoys working in Indonesia:
“The work-load is horrible since there are a lot of patients, but we are well respected by every hospital personnel" (They have migrated there for nearly a decade)
I am sure that people will see doctors as power-hungry individuals who want to be the boss in the hospital. Trust me, after having graduated 6-7 years of medical school, earning a DEGREE, and subsequently MASTERS, and SUBSPECIALITY, you would expect a degree of respect and being considered important. We are trying our best to improve patient's quality of life, or making sure he lives another day. Is it too much to ask from the system that we are important?
I find that Malaysia is the only country that is making doctors' lives miserable and treated like rubbish. It was never about the pay in the first place. It is about the treatment we are getting and the false political-based promises. Do you know that the so-called circular about doctors can have the day off after working 24 hours straight released JULY 2009 is not yet implemented? Do you know that the raise of UD 41 to 44 does not involve every doctor in the government service?
We are waiting for improvement. We have waited a long time when we were working in the system. Somewhere along the line we decided to leave and wait outside the system. Until the system changes, we will continue to work overseas, in countries which are appreciative of us. Trust me, Malaysian-graduate doctors are considered highly skilful and competent in neighbouring countries, and the 15 % brain drain is more significant than you think.
We will return when the system prioritize us and gives us the quality of life we deserve.
If it stays the same, Malaysian Hospitals would end up having Staff nurses and Medical Assistants as "Doctors", and we would have to send patients to Indonesia for an appendicectomy.
Hear our voice. We hardly speak, but will usually fade away from conflict (and fly to another place)."
the doctor's blog id is ms mohammad. i do hope that he does share his anger, frustration and grieve to the public to enlighten them how things should be done instead of what's been going on here..
"I read an interesting article today about a few prominent figures addressing their concern over the increasing UKM and UM medical graduates who have left the country to continue their medical practice overseas.
After reading the news for 3 times, I called a very close friend, an MD (UKM) graduate to ask his opinion on how the news might have affected him. He has been working in Singapore for more than a decade as a Consultant Surgeon with a certain sub-specialty
"Why be a slave in your own country, when you are a king in another?" He replied.
Indeed, if anybody would want to find a reason why all of us left, either after housemanship, after being a specialist, or even after sub specializing, and now, even prior to doing housemanship, they need not look at our payslip, or the wealth that we have gained overseas, but only to the Medical System that has been rotting in the ignorance and politic-based stupidity that Malaysia has been well-known for (in the medical field).
I have served the system for nearly 2 decades of my career, waiting for it to improve for so long, and only finding myself in despair, quitting with a 24-hour notice and serving abroad. The system is, in my opinion, keeping doctors, since the beginning of their career as House Officers to the end of it, in the lowermost priority. When I was working there, doctors are so ill-treated, while the nurses and the medical assistants are overpowering us.
I still remember the days when I was doing seeing patients and rounds as an MO, while the staff nurses would mind their own business, having breakfast in the pantry, or having gossip chats at their own leisure. My House Officers would then have to do merely all the labour-work, up to the extent of setting intravenous drips, and serving medications. If I am to expect the nurses, my patients would have been dead, or the work would have been too slowly or incompletely done.
When I was a House Officer, I had to run down 4-5 floors just to review a blood investigation of a dying dengue patient. The ward staff would either be nowhere around, or will say that he is busy (busier than the doctor?) or the answer I got at that time:
"Doktor nak cepat, doktor turun sendirilah, gaji doktor lagi banyak dari saya"
Even when I was a Specialist, the staff nurses had to be called again and again just to make sure the management plan for the patient would be done. I was already used to answers from them:
“I’m busy with something else"
“My shift is already over"
...it was routine for me.
The Medical Assistants were worse. They would hide behind their so-called boss, the Head of Medical Assistant. They feel hiding behind him would make them not under our jurisdiction, that we have no power to instruct them in managing the patient, that they have power to manage own their own. I've seen them giving medications not as we prescribed, performing procedures without our knowledge, as if they are the actual "Doctors". They are in their own world, and we have to do their job, taking blood, labelling samples, and even cleaning gadgets from the procedures that we have done.
Oh, but the ministry loves this group. They even let them run a clinic now, instead of upgrading the clinics already run by doctors. The government feels that the MAs are very important and should never be ill-treated by those big bad doctors. One time when I was a District Hospital Medical Officer, I was conducting a delivery of a baby. An MA insisted that I remove my car which was block-parking his car. I answered through the phone that I was busy.
He came to the labor room and yelled "Semua orang pun sibuk jugak, macamlah doktor seorang yang sibuk!”
It is insulting that an MA or a staff nurse claims that they are BUSY, as busy as a doctor? As a Malaysian Doctor, I have even worked for 72 hours straight. I have experienced working until my 6 month old daughter did not recognize me at the end of the week.
Is that how busy they are? I am very sure that they are so busy, that they can only spend 2 hours at the nearby Mamak stall, or can only leave at 5:10 PM instead of 5, or can only have 1 hour of lunch.
The management staffs are worse. I have to beg and plead so that I can get my on-call claims, of RM25 per 48 hours of work. While sitting in an air-conditioned office, they will at their own leisure, process my call claims so that I will receive them by the next decade.
The state health or Hospital Director would just give another inspirational talk (of bollocks) on team effort and beauty of teamwork.
That is how Malaysian doctors are treated in the government sector: without respect, without dignity and without significance. Why?
It is because we are bound by ethics to try our best to save lives, despite how ill-treated we are. We hardly have time to complaint because we are too busy or tired, and we would rather spend the precious time resting or seeing our loved ones. The burden of trying to save lives is on our shoulders alone. No MAs or Staff nurses would shoulder it with us. They have their own bosses: the Sisters, Matrons, or Head of MAs, which job description is to ensure that the big bad doctors will not ask their underlings to do extra work.
This is how the Malaysian Ministry of Health have treated their doctors. I am very sure that in each and every doctor, there is a slowly-burning patience in serving the Malaysian people, which will eventually fade and cause them to surrender to serving a place that treats them better.
A few colleagues who graduated from UK choose to serve there:
"The pay is more, and we get the respect we deserve"
Another works in Brunei:
“Here the staff nurses respect Malaysian doctors, and they are very co-operative" (He ended up marrying one)
A few are consultants in Singapore (working with me):
"Here we are treated well, we spearhead the management, and every else do their work to the best of their capabilities".
A few even enjoys working in Indonesia:
“The work-load is horrible since there are a lot of patients, but we are well respected by every hospital personnel" (They have migrated there for nearly a decade)
I am sure that people will see doctors as power-hungry individuals who want to be the boss in the hospital. Trust me, after having graduated 6-7 years of medical school, earning a DEGREE, and subsequently MASTERS, and SUBSPECIALITY, you would expect a degree of respect and being considered important. We are trying our best to improve patient's quality of life, or making sure he lives another day. Is it too much to ask from the system that we are important?
I find that Malaysia is the only country that is making doctors' lives miserable and treated like rubbish. It was never about the pay in the first place. It is about the treatment we are getting and the false political-based promises. Do you know that the so-called circular about doctors can have the day off after working 24 hours straight released JULY 2009 is not yet implemented? Do you know that the raise of UD 41 to 44 does not involve every doctor in the government service?
We are waiting for improvement. We have waited a long time when we were working in the system. Somewhere along the line we decided to leave and wait outside the system. Until the system changes, we will continue to work overseas, in countries which are appreciative of us. Trust me, Malaysian-graduate doctors are considered highly skilful and competent in neighbouring countries, and the 15 % brain drain is more significant than you think.
We will return when the system prioritize us and gives us the quality of life we deserve.
If it stays the same, Malaysian Hospitals would end up having Staff nurses and Medical Assistants as "Doctors", and we would have to send patients to Indonesia for an appendicectomy.
Hear our voice. We hardly speak, but will usually fade away from conflict (and fly to another place)."
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
it has been a long lay off..
i also don't noe why.. just didn't feel like blogging.. busy with this and that.. mind preoccupied with this and that.. i don't even remember when was the last actual time i actually penned something down..
perhaps having a marathon cardio class with prof chin is a perfect way to get deflated by the end of the day.. or perhaps that you just wait and pray that dr tai is going on call on the nights that you are on call too so you can try to squeeze a little bit more on the kind hearted soft spoken dr tai to learn something about mind boggling neuro from him which is already mind boggling enough...
sometimes when you take a step back and reflect on the thigns that all of us have gone thru to pass out from med school, we will come to a point and wonder whether that night call with dr so and so will shape our decision one day in determining a patient's outcome (not life and death issue dramatic la). perhaps a diff choice of drugs perhaps what one fine day we read during our EBM class with prof EBM could give our patient a better prognosis..
the point is that does it really matter? will we still remember the things that we were thought before when the time comes? or perhaps the best way is that for time to tell.. or it's just that the most important lessons in life have to be faced with much difficulty before we actually learn something from it? like i ambu bagged this 19 yr old girl last time when i was in sem 6 when she collapsed due to defaulted treatment for retinoblastoma.. when i looked back, the way i bagged prob caused her to have pneumothorax being this eager clinical school bound student who just wants to help but did not know the dangers of overzealousness..
it only took me till sem 8 to learn proper bagging from dr thiru.. only did i noe that small minor things like that matters alot..
and i guess this takes on as life lessons later.. that small thing counts and the best lessons in life are best learned from what a human can feel and do.. i guess that's what im' thinking tonite at this moment when i blog this post..
good nite world..
i also don't noe why.. just didn't feel like blogging.. busy with this and that.. mind preoccupied with this and that.. i don't even remember when was the last actual time i actually penned something down..
perhaps having a marathon cardio class with prof chin is a perfect way to get deflated by the end of the day.. or perhaps that you just wait and pray that dr tai is going on call on the nights that you are on call too so you can try to squeeze a little bit more on the kind hearted soft spoken dr tai to learn something about mind boggling neuro from him which is already mind boggling enough...
sometimes when you take a step back and reflect on the thigns that all of us have gone thru to pass out from med school, we will come to a point and wonder whether that night call with dr so and so will shape our decision one day in determining a patient's outcome (not life and death issue dramatic la). perhaps a diff choice of drugs perhaps what one fine day we read during our EBM class with prof EBM could give our patient a better prognosis..
the point is that does it really matter? will we still remember the things that we were thought before when the time comes? or perhaps the best way is that for time to tell.. or it's just that the most important lessons in life have to be faced with much difficulty before we actually learn something from it? like i ambu bagged this 19 yr old girl last time when i was in sem 6 when she collapsed due to defaulted treatment for retinoblastoma.. when i looked back, the way i bagged prob caused her to have pneumothorax being this eager clinical school bound student who just wants to help but did not know the dangers of overzealousness..
it only took me till sem 8 to learn proper bagging from dr thiru.. only did i noe that small minor things like that matters alot..
and i guess this takes on as life lessons later.. that small thing counts and the best lessons in life are best learned from what a human can feel and do.. i guess that's what im' thinking tonite at this moment when i blog this post..
good nite world..
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
am i like this?
HUMANMETRICS
YOUR TYPE
E N F J
Strength of the preferences %
56 12 50 56
Jung Career Indicator™ determines careers most suitable for your type from personality type standpoint. Based on your personality type, the following is a list of your most suitable occupations along with some examples of educational institutions, where you can receive a relevant degree or training. Please click institution name for more information. Invite your friends to discover most suitable for them careers.
Career Educational Institutions
Social Service
Counseling
Psychology
Social Work
Education
Public Health
Physician
Science/Technical
Science
Computer Programming
Management
Management
Fashion Merchandising
Politics
Famous people of your particular type
Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Clara Barton (Founder of the American Red Cross), Ronald Reagan
ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.
ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.
ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.
ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.
TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!
Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.
The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.
Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.
Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.
In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.
Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.
YOUR TYPE
E N F J
Strength of the preferences %
56 12 50 56
Jung Career Indicator™ determines careers most suitable for your type from personality type standpoint. Based on your personality type, the following is a list of your most suitable occupations along with some examples of educational institutions, where you can receive a relevant degree or training. Please click institution name for more information. Invite your friends to discover most suitable for them careers.
Career Educational Institutions
Social Service
Counseling
Psychology
Social Work
Education
Public Health
Physician
Science/Technical
Science
Computer Programming
Management
Management
Fashion Merchandising
Politics
Famous people of your particular type
Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Clara Barton (Founder of the American Red Cross), Ronald Reagan
ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.
ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.
ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.
ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.
TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!
Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.
The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.
Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.
Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.
In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.
Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
seriously feeling damn babi hutan on new year's eve..
went to ss15.. after that when take care my car that time, the tyres are flat! like FLAT kau.. must have kena paku on the way back from sban for sure.. it's like zero air.. haih..
then after changed to spare which to me felt like ages thou was oni 20 mins only to realise that i have to settle my own brunch... i thought can eat mc d double prosperity burger without burning a hole in my pocket cuz eat with dad but in the end have to settle to eat at sukumaran cuz it's the oni restaurant open today..
only to realise some jackass idiot (i don't wanna name the race here but it's sukumaran so you'll guess it) didn't look at the back before reversing from the parking lot and reversed straight into me while i was stopping to wait for another person's parking...
knnccbwtf-to-the-power-of-infinity.. i got down from the car and the other party's father came and say sorry sorry sorry... my retort was like
'are you trying to ruin my cny ah?'
'sorry sorry didn't see'
'then teach your son to watch the mirror before reversing la man!'
'sorry'
after reversing out that guy's son didn't even come out and say sorry.. just drove off.. and that pissed me off! WEV 6730 mercedes benz. seriously... i was ok and didn't try to make a commotion... i mean ppl make mistakes la.. but then his son which is not much younger than me didn't even look at me in the eye and say sorry in fact drove off WITH THE F-CKING MIDDLE FINGER IN FRONT OF SUKUMARAN!!!!!! when it was him who knocked my car..
verdict? i'm going to usj police station and lodge a report for... ?hit and run, ?causing emotional trauma, or ?just-to-get-back-at-you.. the damage is in fact quite minor as compared to last time when i trashed my front bonet of my car... just some paint gone oni.. but too bad for that guy.. or am i just too unforgiving? i don't think so.. i guess i was ok after his father said sorry.. his son was the one who pulled the plug.. i mean has anyone hit your car and gave you the finger? i mean wtf!!! i was patiently waiting for another car to reverse, and the blind driver din look at the back of the car and just drove out hitting me..
no sorry with middle finger = visit to the balai and report = hope they come fine u $300 so you can't have that nike/adidas/prada/gucci/i phone/nokia/blackberry after paying the fine.. haha! lol..
went to ss15.. after that when take care my car that time, the tyres are flat! like FLAT kau.. must have kena paku on the way back from sban for sure.. it's like zero air.. haih..
then after changed to spare which to me felt like ages thou was oni 20 mins only to realise that i have to settle my own brunch... i thought can eat mc d double prosperity burger without burning a hole in my pocket cuz eat with dad but in the end have to settle to eat at sukumaran cuz it's the oni restaurant open today..
only to realise some jackass idiot (i don't wanna name the race here but it's sukumaran so you'll guess it) didn't look at the back before reversing from the parking lot and reversed straight into me while i was stopping to wait for another person's parking...
knnccbwtf-to-the-power-of-infinity.. i got down from the car and the other party's father came and say sorry sorry sorry... my retort was like
'are you trying to ruin my cny ah?'
'sorry sorry didn't see'
'then teach your son to watch the mirror before reversing la man!'
'sorry'
after reversing out that guy's son didn't even come out and say sorry.. just drove off.. and that pissed me off! WEV 6730 mercedes benz. seriously... i was ok and didn't try to make a commotion... i mean ppl make mistakes la.. but then his son which is not much younger than me didn't even look at me in the eye and say sorry in fact drove off WITH THE F-CKING MIDDLE FINGER IN FRONT OF SUKUMARAN!!!!!! when it was him who knocked my car..
verdict? i'm going to usj police station and lodge a report for... ?hit and run, ?causing emotional trauma, or ?just-to-get-back-at-you.. the damage is in fact quite minor as compared to last time when i trashed my front bonet of my car... just some paint gone oni.. but too bad for that guy.. or am i just too unforgiving? i don't think so.. i guess i was ok after his father said sorry.. his son was the one who pulled the plug.. i mean has anyone hit your car and gave you the finger? i mean wtf!!! i was patiently waiting for another car to reverse, and the blind driver din look at the back of the car and just drove out hitting me..
no sorry with middle finger = visit to the balai and report = hope they come fine u $300 so you can't have that nike/adidas/prada/gucci/i phone/nokia/blackberry after paying the fine.. haha! lol..
Sunday, February 07, 2010
towards the end, you will have engaged in mutual fixation one too many a times, and as you continue to do so, ask yourself if these images of suffering are falling on your retina like so many layers of snow on a barren land, or whether just sometimes you might allow your eye to thaw and resolve itself into perhaps just one true tear...
Dear John
On nights like this when i can't sleep a wink, i search for new upcoming movies and voila! this one is really really good. simply becuase it's from the novel of NICHOLAS SPARKS..
nicky sparks has always always been my fav author.. in fact, the books he wrote was so emotionally binding that when i read them, i could always revisit them at any time without having the thoughts of what would come next. simply because the style of writing was just so good that i can't let down the book when i'm reading.
the notebook, his very first one was my first book i read from him back then in sec school. and yeah.. dear john, from book to movie, i have no qualms in watching it.. because it's from nicky! and i have been reading a walk to remember, message in a bottle and bend in the road over and over again for the past couple of months..
it's always a welcome read, it's always a revisit to the past, it's always a drop of tear that roll down the cheek.
perhaps that he wrote it in a very down to earth heart warming way which captures my heart. and yeah.. i'm just soooo gonna get 'dear john' from mph soon.. plus the mesa that i've been dreaming about if my ang pow money is good this year around..
of late the time of this night,
i lay down to bed with the moon in sight,
whispering trees, will you walk with me?
embrace me in my dreamland to be?
hit the sack jen lye! come to bed with burdens light!
with a sigh, bade the world good night...
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
today is just sooo not my day..
to cut it short, i'm having a swelling on my proximal 4th phalanx as well as tenderness on palpation on the PIP joint.. haih.. the whole bloody trouble is that the ball wasn't in a powerful speed and neither was it a direct shot.. i just miscalculated the flight angle, dipping shot, bla bla... whatever la.. and instead of catching it, it hit directly on the finger straight on.. bloody shit.. and now it's odematous, can't flex the PIP joint, severe tightness on passive flexion and severely tender on palpation on the 4th proximal phalanx...
and then later came an elbow straight on the cartilaginous part of my nose and a direct hyperflexion of the ankle joint hit as i had a fantastic boot to boot contact with danny ferns.. now, my ankle is hurting like an old lady's and my nose.. thank god, is not looking like sandra bullock..
oh well. i'm having RICE now... plus a whole lot of fastum gel and PCM.. i used to have this strip of diclofenac where i bloody misplaced it.. so much for needing it and don't have it.. stupidity has taken it's toll.. i'm left with a kuchi PCM for pain control... and i'm spinning out of control... lol..
ok la.. all is whining oni.. i wonder if i hadn't gone for futsal, din get my regular workout, would things be better? but then.. the adrenalin rush when blocking a direct shot or diving for a save is PRICELESS..
so what's the verdict.. it's all in a day's job.. i guess it goes the same for HO who's in the A&E or be in some one who crashed in the ward.. as long as you know that you have put ur best foot forward.. the beating that comes later doesn't matter anymore.. as long as you know that you have gave your best... ahh!!! that satisfaction..
btw him heang penang tambun biscuit has been my supper for the past 2 days.. gosh it's damn good.. especialy when u take it with a steaming hot cup of lipton tea, no sugar of course.. then take a nice swig of that hematuric looking tea and voila! u have a nice and happy stomach..
i guess it's back to disorders of esophagus.. ENT is like boring as the ents in LOTR.. heard of TREEBEARD in lord of the rings? they are called ENTS if i'm not wrong.. this is just soo random of me.. ah.. what the heck la.. another mouth of tambun biscuit dissolve in my amylase enzyme of my buccal cavity as it goes through the buccal phase, pharyngeal phase and then esophageal phase..
why do medical ppl like to use jargons even when off duty? for me to know and for you to find out.. haha..=P
p/s this post is the most bloody random thing i've ever blogged about.. lol..
to cut it short, i'm having a swelling on my proximal 4th phalanx as well as tenderness on palpation on the PIP joint.. haih.. the whole bloody trouble is that the ball wasn't in a powerful speed and neither was it a direct shot.. i just miscalculated the flight angle, dipping shot, bla bla... whatever la.. and instead of catching it, it hit directly on the finger straight on.. bloody shit.. and now it's odematous, can't flex the PIP joint, severe tightness on passive flexion and severely tender on palpation on the 4th proximal phalanx...
and then later came an elbow straight on the cartilaginous part of my nose and a direct hyperflexion of the ankle joint hit as i had a fantastic boot to boot contact with danny ferns.. now, my ankle is hurting like an old lady's and my nose.. thank god, is not looking like sandra bullock..
oh well. i'm having RICE now... plus a whole lot of fastum gel and PCM.. i used to have this strip of diclofenac where i bloody misplaced it.. so much for needing it and don't have it.. stupidity has taken it's toll.. i'm left with a kuchi PCM for pain control... and i'm spinning out of control... lol..
ok la.. all is whining oni.. i wonder if i hadn't gone for futsal, din get my regular workout, would things be better? but then.. the adrenalin rush when blocking a direct shot or diving for a save is PRICELESS..
so what's the verdict.. it's all in a day's job.. i guess it goes the same for HO who's in the A&E or be in some one who crashed in the ward.. as long as you know that you have put ur best foot forward.. the beating that comes later doesn't matter anymore.. as long as you know that you have gave your best... ahh!!! that satisfaction..
btw him heang penang tambun biscuit has been my supper for the past 2 days.. gosh it's damn good.. especialy when u take it with a steaming hot cup of lipton tea, no sugar of course.. then take a nice swig of that hematuric looking tea and voila! u have a nice and happy stomach..
i guess it's back to disorders of esophagus.. ENT is like boring as the ents in LOTR.. heard of TREEBEARD in lord of the rings? they are called ENTS if i'm not wrong.. this is just soo random of me.. ah.. what the heck la.. another mouth of tambun biscuit dissolve in my amylase enzyme of my buccal cavity as it goes through the buccal phase, pharyngeal phase and then esophageal phase..
why do medical ppl like to use jargons even when off duty? for me to know and for you to find out.. haha..=P
p/s this post is the most bloody random thing i've ever blogged about.. lol..
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Lost Soul
The sky was blue, and clouds were white,
A wanderer with a search in sight.
Wandered he closely by the shore,
With hope of searching a saying that implored:
“Oh Heaven’s shine! Thou art feel bright!
For love is all in your might!
Embrace it tight! Caress it light!
Let it not be lost of sight!”
And with all the strength he could muster,
Shouted he out loud to the deeping waters.
“To the Sea! To the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
Nor’easter wind blows, and the white foam is forming.
West, west away, the round Sun is falling,
O’ Mother! Do you hear my calling?
Voices of despair cried before me,
I took leave in a world that bore me.
For many days are ending and my years are failing,
I shall pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
In search of a lady, embarked I on this journey,
A fair and lovely maiden as glory.
Searched I high and low,
My boat, powerless, goes where wind blows.
Sail I to the ends of the world,
With hope and faith that shone like pearl.
Yea Faith! Desperately I cling on to you,
Till I see land, my faith shall never be subdued.
To the Stars! To the Stars!
My companion and guide, thru’ many darkness thus far.
Brightly cascade you in the sky,
Oh, what beauty to me when on the deck I lie.
Above lonely shadows where mighty Gods dwell,
Till I found my maiden, I shall not bid farewell.
To the Moon! To the Moon!
An icon of love, I seek you out soon!
Thru’ toils and snares, I am not dismayed,
For bewildered I was on enchanted ways.
I wandered far from northern strands,
Beyond counted days on mortal land.
Blindly in the foam my little boat fled,
Unheralded in my quest I sped.”
And by chance on land he saw,
A lovely maiden stood by the shore.
The locks of her hair flew with great beauty,
A fair lovely maiden it’s got to be!
“Lady! Lady! Come abroad!
Lest I have my boat to dock!”
“Knight! O’ Knight! Come what thee for me?
For I have nothing to offer thee.”
“Gold my Lady! Gold I carry!
On our journey home, shall we be merry!”
“Hearken to me dear Knight, thee shall hear!
Offer thee not happiness I fear!”
And magically she disappeared,
A beautiful butterfly however appeared.
He chased and chased with little thought,
What agony to him this chase had brought.
The harder he chased, the farther he chased,
She eluded him more like a maze.
Chased he till he could chase no more,
For his feet on the sand begin to sore.
“Leave me not my lovely Lady,
Regretted I for giving wrongly.
Accept my apology for I have learnt,
For it is happiness that I yearn.”
He knelt down there and begin to cry,
That night, his eyes were never dry.
Then he heard a whisper in the distance,
A sweet and charming voice he listened.
“Knight! O’ Knight! Thy armour gleamed so bright!
Thou art chased with all your might.
Sadly, feelings in thee, I have not,
Thy chasing is, in all but naught.”
With that, the butterfly changed its form,
To the most beautiful maiden ever born.
“Go O’ Knight, speed away,
For I am only an illusion to stay.
Seek deeper in the word of love,
For another maiden who better deserves.
Thy love, thy care, spend them not on me,
Take my advice well with thee.”
And with great sorrow he heaved a sigh,
A heavy heart, he let out a cry.
“Here at journey’s end I lie,
Beyond all seas deep and high.
In darkness never have my light so dimmed,
Because it’s in thee, that happiness I foreseen.
Knelt I here this day,
With hearts so broken,
Wait I thee for everlasting days,
Till thy love is spoken.
Lost to me, lost to me,
Whitherward fled?
Gone from me, gone from me,
Shadow-ward sped.
Hearing thy voice, to me,
Echoing still.
Seeing the flight of thee,
Will of my will.
Lost is the wild song of me,
Notes that belong to thee.
Love torn and strong to be,
Mute in the Sea.
Shame to me, shame to me,
Set has the Sun.
Silent thou art to me,
My chasing forth is done.”
-jens-
A wanderer with a search in sight.
Wandered he closely by the shore,
With hope of searching a saying that implored:
“Oh Heaven’s shine! Thou art feel bright!
For love is all in your might!
Embrace it tight! Caress it light!
Let it not be lost of sight!”
And with all the strength he could muster,
Shouted he out loud to the deeping waters.
“To the Sea! To the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
Nor’easter wind blows, and the white foam is forming.
West, west away, the round Sun is falling,
O’ Mother! Do you hear my calling?
Voices of despair cried before me,
I took leave in a world that bore me.
For many days are ending and my years are failing,
I shall pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
In search of a lady, embarked I on this journey,
A fair and lovely maiden as glory.
Searched I high and low,
My boat, powerless, goes where wind blows.
Sail I to the ends of the world,
With hope and faith that shone like pearl.
Yea Faith! Desperately I cling on to you,
Till I see land, my faith shall never be subdued.
To the Stars! To the Stars!
My companion and guide, thru’ many darkness thus far.
Brightly cascade you in the sky,
Oh, what beauty to me when on the deck I lie.
Above lonely shadows where mighty Gods dwell,
Till I found my maiden, I shall not bid farewell.
To the Moon! To the Moon!
An icon of love, I seek you out soon!
Thru’ toils and snares, I am not dismayed,
For bewildered I was on enchanted ways.
I wandered far from northern strands,
Beyond counted days on mortal land.
Blindly in the foam my little boat fled,
Unheralded in my quest I sped.”
And by chance on land he saw,
A lovely maiden stood by the shore.
The locks of her hair flew with great beauty,
A fair lovely maiden it’s got to be!
“Lady! Lady! Come abroad!
Lest I have my boat to dock!”
“Knight! O’ Knight! Come what thee for me?
For I have nothing to offer thee.”
“Gold my Lady! Gold I carry!
On our journey home, shall we be merry!”
“Hearken to me dear Knight, thee shall hear!
Offer thee not happiness I fear!”
And magically she disappeared,
A beautiful butterfly however appeared.
He chased and chased with little thought,
What agony to him this chase had brought.
The harder he chased, the farther he chased,
She eluded him more like a maze.
Chased he till he could chase no more,
For his feet on the sand begin to sore.
“Leave me not my lovely Lady,
Regretted I for giving wrongly.
Accept my apology for I have learnt,
For it is happiness that I yearn.”
He knelt down there and begin to cry,
That night, his eyes were never dry.
Then he heard a whisper in the distance,
A sweet and charming voice he listened.
“Knight! O’ Knight! Thy armour gleamed so bright!
Thou art chased with all your might.
Sadly, feelings in thee, I have not,
Thy chasing is, in all but naught.”
With that, the butterfly changed its form,
To the most beautiful maiden ever born.
“Go O’ Knight, speed away,
For I am only an illusion to stay.
Seek deeper in the word of love,
For another maiden who better deserves.
Thy love, thy care, spend them not on me,
Take my advice well with thee.”
And with great sorrow he heaved a sigh,
A heavy heart, he let out a cry.
“Here at journey’s end I lie,
Beyond all seas deep and high.
In darkness never have my light so dimmed,
Because it’s in thee, that happiness I foreseen.
Knelt I here this day,
With hearts so broken,
Wait I thee for everlasting days,
Till thy love is spoken.
Lost to me, lost to me,
Whitherward fled?
Gone from me, gone from me,
Shadow-ward sped.
Hearing thy voice, to me,
Echoing still.
Seeing the flight of thee,
Will of my will.
Lost is the wild song of me,
Notes that belong to thee.
Love torn and strong to be,
Mute in the Sea.
Shame to me, shame to me,
Set has the Sun.
Silent thou art to me,
My chasing forth is done.”
-jens-
Monday, January 18, 2010
i don't noe where to begin.. i don't noe where to start..
but to start with an apology to me, is a good way to start something.. apology for things that i've done wrong. and actions that i've taken which may cross people's feelings or hurt them.. i'm truly sorry...
i'm supposed to be studying. there is dhingra out there. pages splayed wide open. there is the ohcs. there is the toronto notes.. and lastly there is this book 'the purpose driven life' by rick warren.
i have watched many movies today. listened to many songs. and spent the last 2 hours reading back my old post. i'm surprised that i could write and blog so much those days.. and wondering why am i staring blankly on my computer screen. i'm trying to conjure up poems.. but without avail. and so here i am reading page 154 of the purpose driven life.. trying to find meaning to it.. trying to understand each sentence and praying each day to find back the meaning of why things happen in a certain way..
this brings back to my very very old post on the day that i was admitted to sjmc where i met this old friend of mine (a patient who i befriended). his wife went thru many things with him and finally something that stuck in my head till now. 'God is never a second early, nor a second late. He arrives at the precise moment'.
hmmm.. i guess i just have to be patient..
and here is the best part of the book.
Emphasize reconciliation , not resolution. it is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. but one thing to take home is that reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. when we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
i have certainly over many days realised that i have not been what i used to be. i can't laugh till the cows come home anymore. i can't make silly jokes and laugh at myself anymore.. and i looked at myself in the mirror.. where have i lost it?
the toll was the studies and the workload.. and yes.. i do agree it has taken over me.. but i'm in control of myself.. i can only let it take over me if i allow it to.. not that i should slack but there are times when i need to focus, i focus with all my heart. i still have my sane self which i need to keep intact.. it's me.. it's within me.. i must find that magic back...
sorry this post is all about me only.. but tonite, i have thought about alot of things.. i want to reconnect with people whom i have lost, talk to people who means most to me, touch people hearts when and where it matters most.. this is me, this is myself.. and i can't lose that.. or i lose everything.. i give my heart best in everything i do.. and that's a promise i made today...
i begin to accept that i can only be good only if i let everything go.. learn how not to be too aggressive, learn to control my emotions, learn to talk in a more gentle manner... and learn to listen to those who mean most to me... i have lost these things along the way and i plan to learn from these mistakes which brought me down.. to keep improving and to be a better person... sometimes i just want to be the best.. but i know it's impossible to be the best in everything.. as long as i'm in peace with myself that i have indeed given my honest best, then i can go to sleep soundly at night..
the night is late. and it's time to hit the sack.. tomorrow a new day awaits.. awaits with open arms.. how this day or many more days to come depends on how one control one's feelings and carry one's self... i must say i must learn to better myself... this is a promise i made tonite..=)
good nite.. and God bless...
but to start with an apology to me, is a good way to start something.. apology for things that i've done wrong. and actions that i've taken which may cross people's feelings or hurt them.. i'm truly sorry...
i'm supposed to be studying. there is dhingra out there. pages splayed wide open. there is the ohcs. there is the toronto notes.. and lastly there is this book 'the purpose driven life' by rick warren.
i have watched many movies today. listened to many songs. and spent the last 2 hours reading back my old post. i'm surprised that i could write and blog so much those days.. and wondering why am i staring blankly on my computer screen. i'm trying to conjure up poems.. but without avail. and so here i am reading page 154 of the purpose driven life.. trying to find meaning to it.. trying to understand each sentence and praying each day to find back the meaning of why things happen in a certain way..
this brings back to my very very old post on the day that i was admitted to sjmc where i met this old friend of mine (a patient who i befriended). his wife went thru many things with him and finally something that stuck in my head till now. 'God is never a second early, nor a second late. He arrives at the precise moment'.
hmmm.. i guess i just have to be patient..
and here is the best part of the book.
Emphasize reconciliation , not resolution. it is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. but one thing to take home is that reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. when we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.
i have certainly over many days realised that i have not been what i used to be. i can't laugh till the cows come home anymore. i can't make silly jokes and laugh at myself anymore.. and i looked at myself in the mirror.. where have i lost it?
the toll was the studies and the workload.. and yes.. i do agree it has taken over me.. but i'm in control of myself.. i can only let it take over me if i allow it to.. not that i should slack but there are times when i need to focus, i focus with all my heart. i still have my sane self which i need to keep intact.. it's me.. it's within me.. i must find that magic back...
sorry this post is all about me only.. but tonite, i have thought about alot of things.. i want to reconnect with people whom i have lost, talk to people who means most to me, touch people hearts when and where it matters most.. this is me, this is myself.. and i can't lose that.. or i lose everything.. i give my heart best in everything i do.. and that's a promise i made today...
i begin to accept that i can only be good only if i let everything go.. learn how not to be too aggressive, learn to control my emotions, learn to talk in a more gentle manner... and learn to listen to those who mean most to me... i have lost these things along the way and i plan to learn from these mistakes which brought me down.. to keep improving and to be a better person... sometimes i just want to be the best.. but i know it's impossible to be the best in everything.. as long as i'm in peace with myself that i have indeed given my honest best, then i can go to sleep soundly at night..
the night is late. and it's time to hit the sack.. tomorrow a new day awaits.. awaits with open arms.. how this day or many more days to come depends on how one control one's feelings and carry one's self... i must say i must learn to better myself... this is a promise i made tonite..=)
good nite.. and God bless...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday's midnight..
星期六的深夜歌词
星期六晚上
哪都不想去
也无法入睡
看着电视机
持续在发呆
喝了七分醉
闭上了眼睛
试着不想你
但已来不及
忘了如何
让眼泪停止流下
还好没人看到
还好没人看见
没人会说话
星期六深夜
我想起了你
没什么特别
只是回忆
你让我自由
我很感激
星期六深夜
永远不会有任何人
能代替你
这就是遗憾的滋味
陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑
但无法忘记你
-Lee Hom-
seriously.. he has taken over jay chou.. just so happen this is currently saturday night... haha.. good nite everyone...=)
newest motivation...
move aside jay! i'm still a fan of jay's.. but after listening to this song, this is my new motivation.. to sing it...=) haha.. lol.. sorry! syok sendiri.. haha... lee hom style..=P
serenades in a lonely room of mine,
you keep me company,
i listen to the voices of time,
while i drown in the sea of symphony...
-jens-
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Weary eyed I took a stroll
Though was late, but work has taken its toll
I needed a break and to grasslands I went
In search for the stars that leads me to neverland
I cried to the stars littering the skies at night
I wished I could pause this moment and enjoy the sight
But tonight the sky is veiled by the jealous clouds
I stood and stared with increasing doubts
Of late the sky has been crying
And the clouds above have veiled your feelings
Gone when I could see your lovely jewels
Where each and everyone shone brightly as pearls
Your beauty is one that never lies
I’ve enjoyed watching you beyond the distant skies
Where have you been my beloved star?
You’ve been my guide near and afar
With you’ve been veiled I’ve lost my way
I’ve been circling wildly lost for days
Each night I’ve waited with little thought
What agony to me this wait has brought
And as though you have heard my cries
I caught a glimmer of you up high
Your light was faint but it persevered
Like how you taught me when everything went weird
I stood there entranced by your beauty
The clouds cleared and your sight is heavenly
Little by little you light the heavens
Your beauty has always captured my imaginations
You fill my hearts with warmth and wonder
For your presence with me is forever
Wherever I am you’ve always been my guide above earth
Back to a place where I’m warm with love
Your magic never fades throughout the years
Your light shall be my guide through all my fears
And when I’ve lost hope like I always do
Your tiny beacon of light still shines brightly through
I’ve stood and stared long enough a time
To have thought of this poem as a nursery rhyme
Your presence above has been a gift from God
It’s you the stars in loneliness I sought
You make me realize that even in the darkest of night
Your guidance will lead me through with my burdens light
Here now I walk into a home
Knowing there’s you’re always there when I’m alone
Thank you O’ Stars I shall seek you dearly
For you will forever be in my heart eternally
-jens-
Though was late, but work has taken its toll
I needed a break and to grasslands I went
In search for the stars that leads me to neverland
I cried to the stars littering the skies at night
I wished I could pause this moment and enjoy the sight
But tonight the sky is veiled by the jealous clouds
I stood and stared with increasing doubts
Of late the sky has been crying
And the clouds above have veiled your feelings
Gone when I could see your lovely jewels
Where each and everyone shone brightly as pearls
Your beauty is one that never lies
I’ve enjoyed watching you beyond the distant skies
Where have you been my beloved star?
You’ve been my guide near and afar
With you’ve been veiled I’ve lost my way
I’ve been circling wildly lost for days
Each night I’ve waited with little thought
What agony to me this wait has brought
And as though you have heard my cries
I caught a glimmer of you up high
Your light was faint but it persevered
Like how you taught me when everything went weird
I stood there entranced by your beauty
The clouds cleared and your sight is heavenly
Little by little you light the heavens
Your beauty has always captured my imaginations
You fill my hearts with warmth and wonder
For your presence with me is forever
Wherever I am you’ve always been my guide above earth
Back to a place where I’m warm with love
Your magic never fades throughout the years
Your light shall be my guide through all my fears
And when I’ve lost hope like I always do
Your tiny beacon of light still shines brightly through
I’ve stood and stared long enough a time
To have thought of this poem as a nursery rhyme
Your presence above has been a gift from God
It’s you the stars in loneliness I sought
You make me realize that even in the darkest of night
Your guidance will lead me through with my burdens light
Here now I walk into a home
Knowing there’s you’re always there when I’m alone
Thank you O’ Stars I shall seek you dearly
For you will forever be in my heart eternally
-jens-
Sunday, January 10, 2010
When the two of them started spending weekends at the quiet Wisconsin lake, they were young and had little money. Her relatives let them use a tiny cottage in a wooded hollow, a mile or so from the water.
He worked odd hours, so often they wouldn't get there until aftermidnight on a friday. But if the mosquitoes weren't out, they'd go for a moonlight swim, then rest with their backs against a tree and drank wine and talked about their future.
His parents were not around anymore. Divorced a long time ago, they only gave him money, but he was deprived of the most wonderful thing on earth, love. He spent most of his time doing things alone. Not until his sophomore year when he met her. She probably wasn't the most beautiful girl in the university but she was nevertheless charming enough to make heads turn whenever she walks into the lecture hall. She breathed in a new life to him, as someone who was always there to help and hold his hands when he needed emotional support.
One summer the young man bought an old motorboat. They'd ride along the shoreline, looking at the houses and wondering what it would be like to have a place on the water. He'd just shake his head; these houses were just too expensive and cost more than he could afford. Even if he could, he would land himself in such heavy debt with a meagre income.
Years passed. They had kids. After a while, they didn't go to the little cottage as often. Finally her relatives sold the place.
The Lady Luck was smiling on him. He got lucky in his work, making more money than he ever dreamed they'd have. Remembering those weekends, they went back and bought a cedar house on the water. The place was surrounded by huge old oak trees, coupled with spruce, and the land sloped gently down the shore. It was perfect. No words could express his feelings.
They hadn't known summers could be that good. In the mornings, he'd go fishing before it was light. She'd sleep until the birds woke her. Then he'd make breakfast, toast and jelly and sometimes they ate omelettes on the deck.
They got to know the chipmunks, the squirrels and a woodpecker who took over the biggest tree. They got to know the grocer, the butcher who smoked his own bacon, the farmer who sold them vine-ripened tomatoes.
The best part of their day was dusk. She loved sunsets. They'd always stop to watch the sun go down, changing the colour of the lake from hues of blue to purple, to silver and to black. One evening, he made up a small poem:
The sun rolls down,
Like a golden tear,
Another day,
Another day,
Gone.
She told him it was sad, but that she liked it. What she didn't like was October, even with the beautiful colours and evenings in front of the fire place. She was a summer person. The cold wind wasn't her friend.
In November, they would store the boat, take down the hammock and lock everything tight and drive back to the city. She'd always sigh as the left.
Finally spring would come, and when they knew the ice on the lake was gone, they'd be back. She'd throw open the doors and wondows and let in the fresh air. The she'd go out and greet the chipmunks and the woodpeckers.
Every summer seemed better than the last. The sunsets seemed more spectacular. And more precious. They held hand, with fingers intertwined, his thumb caressing the smooth skin of her hand, her head against his shoulders, while whispering the beauty of nature that played in front of their eyes. She liked it when they both held hands, for they had been doing so since they were teenagers in love.
Then one weekend, he went alone to close the place down for the winter.
He worked quickly trying not to let himself think that this particular chair had been her favourite, that the hammock had been her Christmas gift to him, that the house on the lake was his gift to her.
He didn't work quickly enough though and he was still there at the sunset. It was a great burst of orange, the kind she loved best.
He tried but he couldn't watch it alone. And definitely not through tears. So he turned his back on it, went inside, drew the draperies, locked the doors and drove away.
Later there would be a 'for sale' sign out front. Maybe a couple who loved to quietly watch sunsets together would like it. He hoped so.
He worked odd hours, so often they wouldn't get there until after
His parents were not around anymore. Divorced a long time ago, they only gave him money, but he was deprived of the most wonderful thing on earth, love. He spent most of his time doing things alone. Not until his sophomore year when he met her. She probably wasn't the most beautiful girl in the university but she was nevertheless charming enough to make heads turn whenever she walks into the lecture hall. She breathed in a new life to him, as someone who was always there to help and hold his hands when he needed emotional support.
One summer the young man bought an old motorboat. They'd ride along the shoreline, looking at the houses and wondering what it would be like to have a place on the water. He'd just shake his head; these houses were just too expensive and cost more than he could afford. Even if he could, he would land himself in such heavy debt with a meagre income.
Years passed. They had kids. After a while, they didn't go to the little cottage as often. Finally her relatives sold the place.
The Lady Luck was smiling on him. He got lucky in his work, making more money than he ever dreamed they'd have. Remembering those weekends, they went back and bought a cedar house on the water. The place was surrounded by huge old oak trees, coupled with spruce, and the land sloped gently down the shore. It was perfect. No words could express his feelings.
They hadn't known summers could be that good. In the mornings, he'd go fishing before it was light. She'd sleep until the birds woke her. Then he'd make breakfast, toast and jelly and sometimes they ate omelettes on the deck.
They got to know the chipmunks, the squirrels and a woodpecker who took over the biggest tree. They got to know the grocer, the butcher who smoked his own bacon, the farmer who sold them vine-ripened tomatoes.
The best part of their day was dusk. She loved sunsets. They'd always stop to watch the sun go down, changing the colour of the lake from hues of blue to purple, to silver and to black. One evening, he made up a small poem:
The sun rolls down,
Like a golden tear,
Another day,
Another day,
Gone.
She told him it was sad, but that she liked it. What she didn't like was October, even with the beautiful colours and evenings in front of the fire place. She was a summer person. The cold wind wasn't her friend.
In November, they would store the boat, take down the hammock and lock everything tight and drive back to the city. She'd always sigh as the left.
Finally spring would come, and when they knew the ice on the lake was gone, they'd be back. She'd throw open the doors and wondows and let in the fresh air. The she'd go out and greet the chipmunks and the woodpeckers.
Every summer seemed better than the last. The sunsets seemed more spectacular. And more precious. They held hand, with fingers intertwined, his thumb caressing the smooth skin of her hand, her head against his shoulders, while whispering the beauty of nature that played in front of their eyes. She liked it when they both held hands, for they had been doing so since they were teenagers in love.
Then one weekend, he went alone to close the place down for the winter.
He worked quickly trying not to let himself think that this particular chair had been her favourite, that the hammock had been her Christmas gift to him, that the house on the lake was his gift to her.
He didn't work quickly enough though and he was still there at the sunset. It was a great burst of orange, the kind she loved best.
He tried but he couldn't watch it alone. And definitely not through tears. So he turned his back on it, went inside, drew the draperies, locked the doors and drove away.
Later there would be a 'for sale' sign out front. Maybe a couple who loved to quietly watch sunsets together would like it. He hoped so.
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