feeling blue

i think i'll be going tioman island alone this time...

sounds so uncool ar? yeah... guess this time i'm just gonna spend my 4d 3n stay in some bloody chalet alone...

sometimes i wonder whether is it cuz i got face problem that no one wants to go with me or i'm just not a good friend to be with... i'm just so willing to even help arrange all the stuff redi... just pay me and you'll get to go...

and everyone's sms is like... 'hey man, sorry pal, can't make it, got something on'... u noe the whole works..

suddenly i feel everything i did or what i've been trying to do just have no effect... so i guess maybe it's just a way of god trying to tell me that i need that time alone... perhaps i can think through things that i thought can't be solved actually can be solved easily instead? or perhaps i'm able to do some soul searching, being able to talk to myself and probably come to a realisation on issues that i've never ever thought of thinking about...

i don't know.. or perhaps i should just pocket the money my dad gave and spend it on some of my favorite stuff.. perhaps a racket? a shoe? but suddenly materials are not what i want.. i just want some company...

sometimes is it just so hard to get? friends? or am i just a lousy one?

argh... just emo lah!!!!

i ain't know what to put as the title header as of today... i've been thinking on what's good to do during the hols but sometimes i guess i'm a little too institutionalize to can't able to sit still and not doing anything...

perhaps i'm just not getting used to lazing around and enjoy the breath of freedom.. why? i do'nt noe myself.. prob i'm just afraid i get too complacent with things and then unable to concentrate when i start the next semester...

but come to think of it, i'm on hols.. but what will hols be if there's this gaping hole of i don't know what to do, or perhaps the computer box has become so boring it's no more compelling anymore... or the tv that i wasn't used to watch programmes now become even more boring?

when i went back to uni i was greeted with many surprise faces... 'what are you doing here?' 'u passed rite?' 'go home and enjoy urself'....

but the surprising thing is that at home, i'm just feeling useless... i don't noe why... i've been cooking alot lately cuz i just want to get over the feeling of not having anything to do... experimenting different types of dishes so i don't get bored with the same old thing i eat.. the irony is that i feel i can cook pretty well, and next week i'm doing cooking as an elective, no thanks to 'you know who' who happens to be my tutor who insisted that no medical attachment as an elective... boy, he really did screw up vivian for wanting to do medical elective in australia.. i mean can't he have some sense? or shall i beat some sense into him?

my hiccups have stopped since monday nite.... i don't experience the uncomfortable feeling of saying something and then *hic*! thats some progress... and now i think i'm going on a lose weight prog which i set myself to cut from 65-60kg...

heck it will work... i obviously can't stop eating whenever i'm the one who cooks in the house...

oh well, i remembered how i spent the 2005 year rotting at home and wanting to do something, and now it seems that i'm prob sucked into that same predicament as well... it's kinda going in that direction anyway... so what the heck...

and here i am, blogging away cuz there's nothing else to do... i would love to go do some hiking or some outdoor activities but all needs $$$.. haih.. had i only have that much $$$ with me...

but anyway, i guess for the next couple of days after my cooking electives, you will prob find me in the library.. i guess i feel more comfortable there than sitting at home and watching some shitty prog or playing my transformers game which i can't pass the level where ironhide has got to take out one of the decepticons...

i ramble too much i guess... but that's how life is after less than a week the results are out... some ppl are going langkawi, some to spore, some vietnam, and i'm sure there are some, whom like me, just sits at home and wait till the sun rises and falls without much anticipation... i don't noe, i guess i'm just bored...

i can't wait to go tioman.. so those interested who's reading my post, pls do like u noe, call me at my no, or drop me a msg here before the 23rd of july... those who have absolutely nothing to do, very the free free kinda person, the tioman trip is on 15-18 aug... if nobody goes, i think i'll just go myself anyway...

*sunken into the gaping hole called boring-ness...*

cranky...

sometimes you know when it comes a time your body starts to slow down and gets cranky... some things happen to you you just don't know what the hell cause it and u can't bloody hell for the f**king reason put a finger to what's going on...

this is one of those days.... in fact it started since the day results came out...

fair enough, i passed the dreaded exams... the results was kinda satisfying but i really did put a lot of effort into it.. thank you for giving me back faith in myself that i used to questioned earlier in the semesters...

but now i just can't bloody hell put my finger to what going on inside me.... or rather what's going on with me...

i've lost sleep due to it, i've started having gum pains due to it(or was it a coincidence) and my temper's flared up for no apparent reason cuz i've in no capability in stopping it from happening..

it's just so disrupting whenever i try to say something then...

*hic*

and i timed it, it's really idiotic.. not random but very mechanical.. like 8 sec 1 hiccup... i hiccuped all the way while watching transformers again with my family today and to the extent i nearly couldn't take it anymore i just wanted to find myself a gun and shoot me dead... bloody irritating and the worst is it's friggin tiring... try hiccuping for 2 days non stop from the time you get up to bed till the time you go to bed... ain't funny man.. it's worst than doing court runs for 3 times in a row.. you'll just get so sick of it i think i went into type 2 respi failure...

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BREATH....

tmw i'm just going to hit the clinic and check what the hell is going on with me... is it due to the sore throat as well? or it's just over reacting? but i noe for sure hell is that...

IT'S KEEPING ME AWAKE AT THIS POINT OF THE NIGHT!!!!

KNN CCB!!!!

i need my sleep and you're ruining it....

A moment to remember

sometimes what we do today might be the very last of what we do...

so why do we still fear anything? i guess there are ppl out there who would do anything without fear anymore for they do not fear anything else for there are much other things to fear.

or am i just too emo? i believe we do fear to a certain extend... but i just have to believe in myself that i can do this and not fear anything else....

and i guess the biggest fear is not remembering what we studied... but isn't it much worst if we can't remember anything at all?

i will fight till the very last end with all my heart...

and it will see me thru the darkest times...

p/s: a little clip on a movie i watched last nite... a moment to remember...