here i am...
staring out the window as i observed the last drops of the angel's tears that fall from the heavens above... i sucked in the fresh air to rejuvinate tired eyes but it doesn't yield any effect...
i'm tired.. i'm exhausted... i'm spent...
and thinking it's just only the 2nd week into it, i wonder whether i could still plod on without having the fear in me of not knowing enough on what's going on... i wonder sometimes whether this am i cut out for this... or whether am i just driven by the little faith in me of pushing myself harder and harder...
dad has always emphasised on pushing oneself to the limit... to know the limit we can go to.. to know that with every success comes hardwork.. and with hardwork comes satisfaction...
but somehow or rather, i lack motivation... the drive in me is failing... i can sense it... is it due to the awkward time table? or is it due to the fact that i've not known the reason anymore why am i doing here at the first place... i'm here because i've chosen this path to walk.. i've no regrets... need i battle this issue with myself anymore?
sometimes u feel that everything is moving fine and you try your best to keep up... but there are times when you feel that you've given everything and still find yourself behind the things that you are supposed to know... it's like having a rug being pulled underneath you.. you fall even though you have had a firm footing on what you perceive as a solid ground...
it's darn frustrating... and it's eating me up bit by bit...
no doubt i've become very kiasu when i entered imu... perhaps i'm driven to study hard because i know that i've made up my mind and i'm committed into delivering the results... somehow or rather i don't want to lose the real me along the way... i'm a crazy guy... i laugh till my belly ache and tears flow out, i sing aloud trying to impress everyone with my singing but only to know it rained the hardest on that day, i laugh at my own jokes at times, i tried imitating david beckham's free kick only to see my shoe flying off and hit jolyn's head... but somehow, this me has been slipping away without me realising it... or now that i've sensed it, is that what is called by 'growing up'?
but i miss the old me... when i could sing and the whole class boo-ed me, when i made jokes but nobody laughs except me and to laugh out loud when no one's laughing...
but now, all i can think of is bruit, paradoxical embolism, hyperplastic arteriolosclerosis...
have my life took a sudden change now without me realising it? that i was funny and i don't have to try to be funny and now i'm trying to be funny even though i'm no more funny anymore...
sounds wierd? or am i still wierd?
i can still run 5km without stopping... but i wonder can my brains run 5 more weeks before cvs ica without stalling further?
i've always counted on faith in everything i do... and i put my whole heart into it... in everything.. yes.. in everything...
i hope faith hasn't left me in the dark alone now...
i'm a believer and i believe in myself, i believe in everything i do... and most of all i believe in my very own whisperings of my heart...
i reckon that should be enough...
1 comment:
dear.. as we grow older in life, there's much more things we have to be responsible for.. and for all these responsibilities, we're equiped with past experience to keep us going..
ok ok.. i know i'm being blair here.. but what i'm trying to say is that when things get tough, always look back on the wonderful memories you had growing up and the wonderful feeling you're going to feel when you get through the present obstacle.. thats what i call MOTIVATION..
also, remember that "all work and no play, makes Jen a very dull boy.." knowing when to relax and when to be serious really gets you places..
there's no point in pushing yourself beyond your limit because then, whatever you try to read will just not stay in your brain.. my mum always say that play hard when its time to play and study hard when its time to study..
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