in the case of un'claret' thinking

i remembered vividly in 1999 british open final day when jean van der velde literally handed paul laurie his first BO title... he was leading 3 shots on the final hole when i triple bogeyed it and went into a playoff with paul, and justin leonard... and he lost...
moral of the story? if jean would have hit 7 iron all the way and wound up with a double bogey on that par 5 hole he could have won.... but he threw the claret jug away cuz he thought he could have won if he hit the driver hard and straight.... but damn it.. somethings are just pure common sense...

so why am i telling this story?

it's easy to laugh when atheletes like jean make such big mistake in a $4.7 million major tournament and with nearly 2 million ppl watching his game life over satellite broadcast.... but one will not know what's going thru a person's mind during such tense moments in a game...

and i had experienced it all over again last sat in the pj open...

ok.. first, my 2nd round opponent is from the navy... so i'm playing with a naval personnel... from his outlook, he's prob in his 30's and he came directly from jalan duta courts after playing in the kl league... so he's already had 2 games in duta courts and then played another game before playing with me....
so heck, i thought he's already u noe.. tired after having 3 rounds of squash in one day... and boy... how wrong was i...
ok.. everytime when someone loses, there will always be a scapegoat... don't care be it the referee or the court got 'charmed' or the weather in the court is just tooo humid....

heck... i lost with all the conditions favourable to me... except for the fact that i wasn't too used to playing in air conditioned courts but it's still favourable cuz u don't get tired easily on cool weather...

i blamed the ref at first for upsetting my game... i was trailing like 5-2 on the first set when he gave a stroke rather than a let... i was damn friggin sure it was a let lar... so i was practically upset with his decision and soon i found myself trailing 7-2... then my opponent hit some pretty good shots and i thought he would have already kaput after having 3 games in a row... but then his stamina was first class and din pant at all... only then i realise shit... my opponent was more physically prepared compared to me... i tried answering his shots by trying to place tight shots to the back but then it all ended up hanging lose.... 5 mins later i lost the 1st game 9-2...
i stormed out of the court.... blinded by the fact that the ref was the one who handed the game away... but then leroy was there and he said that i was playing like 'rubbishshitplaywithnostrategybangingballsleftandright'.. and the ref was making the RIGHT calls...
now... i'm already mad with the ref and leroy says... 'ref's right'
i'm like 'wtf....................'
i've told myself many a times that refs are still human... capable of making mistakes and yeah... even though how shitty he refs the game, i shouldn't let it affect me one bit....

but it sure as hell did...

i was watching the match between elroy and ivan yuen earlier when i thought that sometimes refs are just sooo blind and just made the mistakes cuz of crowd pressure... but the refs that they used for my game according to leroy is a very experienced player...

so that leaves me NO excuses at all for my lost....

i was bugged by the fact that he awarded lets when i felt it was a stroke and vice versa... i tried to slow the game down but then he's got answers to all my shots... and by the time halfway thru the 2nd set, his supporters were cheering him on whenever he made me fall or when he won a point.. and bloody hell i fell and scraped my knee twice...

i lost 2-9, 6-9 and 0-9...

0-9 on the final set....

i was nearly in tears by the time i was trailing on match point... i just lost hope... what happened to all the daring and pushing myself to the limit play? i was just simply outclassed by a better opponent...
an opponent who played 3 games before me and could beat me on the final set with me taking no points from him.... and he's a 30+ married man and i'm only early 20's... so what he's got and i don't have? testosterone level? or what i've got and he don't have? physical prowess?

anxiety, fear and ego

i lost because of the three factors above... i knew if i played my usual game, i could at least take it to a 5 settle... i knew deep down i could hold this guy but i was anxious to win... i wanted to win so badly i forgot how to play squash... i just felt horrible after the lost... argh...
blaming others over one's lost is not uncommon.. but taking the blame of defeat is something i have to learn all over again... and it's so painful to play rubbishly with xan watching... i feel bad that she came all the way only to see me throw the game away just like that... it's just not what i wanted the game to turn out.. even if i had lost with a true fight, i would be happy... but it was not in this case... i knew if i remained calm and composed, i could at least have a 50-50 chance...

and here i make a promise that i shall not play like this during imu cup... the win will go to M106 and i will always and forever play the game that i promised myself to play all these times... i've made these kinda mistakes sooo often i lost count of them...

there's always another game ahead... the season starts tomorrow.. that's always good to hear especially after a loss in no matter what sport it may be... and so i shall put this lost behind me and focus on what lies ahead... and i'm always glad that there are wonderful people beside me supporting and keeping an eye on me... i'm really grateful for that especially xan....

have to go back to my virology notes now... it's been hard sometimes concentrating on studies cuz my mind will drift back to the courts in astaka replaying those heart shattering moments when i threw it all away...

and here i vow it will not happen again.... ever....