Wednesday, September 11, 2019

I miss you

🌱☘🍀🌿🌷🌸 She came like a quiet breath, unbeknownst, always there, subtly but surely brought much warmth to the heart. And now she's away. I miss her. I miss you.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

it's xandra's birthday!

hey folks...

been a long time since i last blogged.. but i don't have anything to say so far.. just that i've been staying up late a couple of nites to watch the games i *ahem* on.. haha.. save for the match last nite germany vs uruguay.. cuz i'm super drowsy after taking actifed..

sometimes i wonder why medical students abuse drugs.. this is the reason why.. cuz when we can't sleep, we take something that makes us go to bed with the use of it's side effects.. we seem to have the remedy for something that don't go rite. if it's a poison item, we make do with OTC that gives us the same effect or kick! lol.. ok la.. not all medical students but i know of some who do..

anyway this post is not about that.. this post is dedicated to my gf xandra ang!

ok la.. initially it was supposed to be a surprise party.. been calling ppl to come on fridays.. but then rite, after calling ppl, realised that her parents are coming on tuesday which is the same day as the plan! lol.. then have to expose the plans abit to her.. haha.. which then it wasn't really a surprise anymore.. ish..

part of the plan was also not to wish her happy birthday too.. and that's the reason i din msg or call even though i know i should.. haha.. anyhow, chris and denise brought cake to her place at midnite.. lol. and he also brought cake the next day. haha.. anyway thanks a lot chris poi and denise tan suyin.

so the dinner was at suria station and those who went were my hse mates wei liang, and hon keong. also there were de jun, chris poi, denise, sei yen, lie joo and wen leong. so total 10 orang.. haha. anyway for those who want to see the pic it's in my fb pics..

sorry for the not calling/ not messaging.. it was meant for everybody forget ur bday this and that.. haha.. want to kenakan u but tak jadi completely. lol.. anyway i hope u have had a nice bday and all the dim sum u had also.. hehe..

happy 23rd birthday xandra ang!


Thursday, May 13, 2010

this was from a doctor who left home to serve elsewhere and i do believe in his verdict, dont we all? as we are experiencing this as part of our system.

the doctor's blog id is ms mohammad. i do hope that he does share his anger, frustration and grieve to the public to enlighten them how things should be done instead of what's been going on here..

"I read an interesting article today about a few prominent figures addressing their concern over the increasing UKM and UM medical graduates who have left the country to continue their medical practice overseas.

After reading the news for 3 times, I called a very close friend, an MD (UKM) graduate to ask his opinion on how the news might have affected him. He has been working in Singapore for more than a decade as a Consultant Surgeon with a certain sub-specialty

"Why be a slave in your own country, when you are a king in another?" He replied.

Indeed, if anybody would want to find a reason why all of us left, either after housemanship, after being a specialist, or even after sub specializing, and now, even prior to doing housemanship, they need not look at our payslip, or the wealth that we have gained overseas, but only to the Medical System that has been rotting in the ignorance and politic-based stupidity that Malaysia has been well-known for (in the medical field).

I have served the system for nearly 2 decades of my career, waiting for it to improve for so long, and only finding myself in despair, quitting with a 24-hour notice and serving abroad. The system is, in my opinion, keeping doctors, since the beginning of their career as House Officers to the end of it, in the lowermost priority. When I was working there, doctors are so ill-treated, while the nurses and the medical assistants are overpowering us.

I still remember the days when I was doing seeing patients and rounds as an MO, while the staff nurses would mind their own business, having breakfast in the pantry, or having gossip chats at their own leisure. My House Officers would then have to do merely all the labour-work, up to the extent of setting intravenous drips, and serving medications. If I am to expect the nurses, my patients would have been dead, or the work would have been too slowly or incompletely done.

When I was a House Officer, I had to run down 4-5 floors just to review a blood investigation of a dying dengue patient. The ward staff would either be nowhere around, or will say that he is busy (busier than the doctor?) or the answer I got at that time:

"Doktor nak cepat, doktor turun sendirilah, gaji doktor lagi banyak dari saya"

Even when I was a Specialist, the staff nurses had to be called again and again just to make sure the management plan for the patient would be done. I was already used to answers from them:

“I’m busy with something else"

“My shift is already over" was routine for me.

The Medical Assistants were worse. They would hide behind their so-called boss, the Head of Medical Assistant. They feel hiding behind him would make them not under our jurisdiction, that we have no power to instruct them in managing the patient, that they have power to manage own their own. I've seen them giving medications not as we prescribed, performing procedures without our knowledge, as if they are the actual "Doctors". They are in their own world, and we have to do their job, taking blood, labelling samples, and even cleaning gadgets from the procedures that we have done.

Oh, but the ministry loves this group. They even let them run a clinic now, instead of upgrading the clinics already run by doctors. The government feels that the MAs are very important and should never be ill-treated by those big bad doctors. One time when I was a District Hospital Medical Officer, I was conducting a delivery of a baby. An MA insisted that I remove my car which was block-parking his car. I answered through the phone that I was busy.

He came to the labor room and yelled "Semua orang pun sibuk jugak, macamlah doktor seorang yang sibuk!”

It is insulting that an MA or a staff nurse claims that they are BUSY, as busy as a doctor? As a Malaysian Doctor, I have even worked for 72 hours straight. I have experienced working until my 6 month old daughter did not recognize me at the end of the week.

Is that how busy they are? I am very sure that they are so busy, that they can only spend 2 hours at the nearby Mamak stall, or can only leave at 5:10 PM instead of 5, or can only have 1 hour of lunch.

The management staffs are worse. I have to beg and plead so that I can get my on-call claims, of RM25 per 48 hours of work. While sitting in an air-conditioned office, they will at their own leisure, process my call claims so that I will receive them by the next decade.

The state health or Hospital Director would just give another inspirational talk (of bollocks) on team effort and beauty of teamwork.

That is how Malaysian doctors are treated in the government sector: without respect, without dignity and without significance. Why?

It is because we are bound by ethics to try our best to save lives, despite how ill-treated we are. We hardly have time to complaint because we are too busy or tired, and we would rather spend the precious time resting or seeing our loved ones. The burden of trying to save lives is on our shoulders alone. No MAs or Staff nurses would shoulder it with us. They have their own bosses: the Sisters, Matrons, or Head of MAs, which job description is to ensure that the big bad doctors will not ask their underlings to do extra work.

This is how the Malaysian Ministry of Health have treated their doctors. I am very sure that in each and every doctor, there is a slowly-burning patience in serving the Malaysian people, which will eventually fade and cause them to surrender to serving a place that treats them better.

A few colleagues who graduated from UK choose to serve there:

"The pay is more, and we get the respect we deserve"

Another works in Brunei:

“Here the staff nurses respect Malaysian doctors, and they are very co-operative" (He ended up marrying one)

A few are consultants in Singapore (working with me):

"Here we are treated well, we spearhead the management, and every else do their work to the best of their capabilities".

A few even enjoys working in Indonesia:

“The work-load is horrible since there are a lot of patients, but we are well respected by every hospital personnel" (They have migrated there for nearly a decade)

I am sure that people will see doctors as power-hungry individuals who want to be the boss in the hospital. Trust me, after having graduated 6-7 years of medical school, earning a DEGREE, and subsequently MASTERS, and SUBSPECIALITY, you would expect a degree of respect and being considered important. We are trying our best to improve patient's quality of life, or making sure he lives another day. Is it too much to ask from the system that we are important?

I find that Malaysia is the only country that is making doctors' lives miserable and treated like rubbish. It was never about the pay in the first place. It is about the treatment we are getting and the false political-based promises. Do you know that the so-called circular about doctors can have the day off after working 24 hours straight released JULY 2009 is not yet implemented? Do you know that the raise of UD 41 to 44 does not involve every doctor in the government service?

We are waiting for improvement. We have waited a long time when we were working in the system. Somewhere along the line we decided to leave and wait outside the system. Until the system changes, we will continue to work overseas, in countries which are appreciative of us. Trust me, Malaysian-graduate doctors are considered highly skilful and competent in neighbouring countries, and the 15 % brain drain is more significant than you think.

We will return when the system prioritize us and gives us the quality of life we deserve.

If it stays the same, Malaysian Hospitals would end up having Staff nurses and Medical Assistants as "Doctors", and we would have to send patients to Indonesia for an appendicectomy.

Hear our voice. We hardly speak, but will usually fade away from conflict (and fly to another place)."

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

it has been a long lay off..

i also don't noe why.. just didn't feel like blogging.. busy with this and that.. mind preoccupied with this and that.. i don't even remember when was the last actual time i actually penned something down..

perhaps having a marathon cardio class with prof chin is a perfect way to get deflated by the end of the day.. or perhaps that you just wait and pray that dr tai is going on call on the nights that you are on call too so you can try to squeeze a little bit more on the kind hearted soft spoken dr tai to learn something about mind boggling neuro from him which is already mind boggling enough...

sometimes when you take a step back and reflect on the thigns that all of us have gone thru to pass out from med school, we will come to a point and wonder whether that night call with dr so and so will shape our decision one day in determining a patient's outcome (not life and death issue dramatic la). perhaps a diff choice of drugs perhaps what one fine day we read during our EBM class with prof EBM could give our patient a better prognosis..

the point is that does it really matter? will we still remember the things that we were thought before when the time comes? or perhaps the best way is that for time to tell.. or it's just that the most important lessons in life have to be faced with much difficulty before we actually learn something from it? like i ambu bagged this 19 yr old girl last time when i was in sem 6 when she collapsed due to defaulted treatment for retinoblastoma.. when i looked back, the way i bagged prob caused her to have pneumothorax being this eager clinical school bound student who just wants to help but did not know the dangers of overzealousness..

it only took me till sem 8 to learn proper bagging from dr thiru.. only did i noe that small minor things like that matters alot..

and i guess this takes on as life lessons later.. that small thing counts and the best lessons in life are best learned from what a human can feel and do.. i guess that's what im' thinking tonite at this moment when i blog this post..

good nite world..

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

am i like this?


Strength of the preferences %
56 12 50 56
Jung Career Indicator™ determines careers most suitable for your type from personality type standpoint. Based on your personality type, the following is a list of your most suitable occupations along with some examples of educational institutions, where you can receive a relevant degree or training. Please click institution name for more information. Invite your friends to discover most suitable for them careers.
Career Educational Institutions
Social Service
Social Work
Public Health

Computer Programming
Fashion Merchandising
Famous people of your particular type
Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Clara Barton (Founder of the American Red Cross), Ronald Reagan

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.

The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.

Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.

Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.

In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.

Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

seriously feeling damn babi hutan on new year's eve..

went to ss15.. after that when take care my car that time, the tyres are flat! like FLAT kau.. must have kena paku on the way back from sban for sure.. it's like zero air.. haih..

then after changed to spare which to me felt like ages thou was oni 20 mins only to realise that i have to settle my own brunch... i thought can eat mc d double prosperity burger without burning a hole in my pocket cuz eat with dad but in the end have to settle to eat at sukumaran cuz it's the oni restaurant open today..

only to realise some jackass idiot (i don't wanna name the race here but it's sukumaran so you'll guess it) didn't look at the back before reversing from the parking lot and reversed straight into me while i was stopping to wait for another person's parking...

knnccbwtf-to-the-power-of-infinity.. i got down from the car and the other party's father came and say sorry sorry sorry... my retort was like
'are you trying to ruin my cny ah?'
'sorry sorry didn't see'
'then teach your son to watch the mirror before reversing la man!'

after reversing out that guy's son didn't even come out and say sorry.. just drove off.. and that pissed me off! WEV 6730 mercedes benz. seriously... i was ok and didn't try to make a commotion... i mean ppl make mistakes la.. but then his son which is not much younger than me didn't even look at me in the eye and say sorry in fact drove off WITH THE F-CKING MIDDLE FINGER IN FRONT OF SUKUMARAN!!!!!! when it was him who knocked my car..

verdict? i'm going to usj police station and lodge a report for... ?hit and run, ?causing emotional trauma, or ?just-to-get-back-at-you.. the damage is in fact quite minor as compared to last time when i trashed my front bonet of my car... just some paint gone oni.. but too bad for that guy.. or am i just too unforgiving? i don't think so.. i guess i was ok after his father said sorry.. his son was the one who pulled the plug.. i mean has anyone hit your car and gave you the finger? i mean wtf!!! i was patiently waiting for another car to reverse, and the blind driver din look at the back of the car and just drove out hitting me..

no sorry with middle finger = visit to the balai and report = hope they come fine u $300 so you can't have that nike/adidas/prada/gucci/i phone/nokia/blackberry after paying the fine.. haha! lol..